I have recently said yes to a leadership role that is so far beyond me, my capabilities, and my capacity. Why? Because I felt I was called to it. Now that sounds like a good reason to say yes, but what do you do when you start down that road and all of a sudden you feel that the road is full of speed bumps, hurdles, and even a few pretty major car crashes? I’m not sure I have found the formula, and honestly I don’t think I’m suppose to. There is a clear truth that I am aware of, that we are not only suppose to learn to live with questions that may not ever be answered, but also that if we ever feel like we have those answers, we’re probably completely deceived.

I don’t say these thing to be negitive, just honest. I seem to continually be in the place where I feel like I need to solve everything, know everything, or even be everything. When in all reality- I’m only asked to be one thing… me.

When listening to a friend talk about what they were reading about, I had a strong truth spoken to me about this very point. In the bible, we often hear about the harvest. Mostly we’re familiar with the scripture asking bolding for workers to be sent into the fields, or reaping what we sew. What I am learning about is another part of this holy process… My friend said that all you can do when you plant something, is wait.

Wait. Really? So what you’re saying is that when I am attempting to lead someone, follow someone, be part of a team, teach a child, start a budget, talk to God, join a small group… all I’m asked to do is obey God and then wait?

Even though “waiting” looks different in every situation, this disicpline bring us right to the end of us and the beginning of God. When we start to allow our grasp of control, or desire for a certain outcome to release- something amazing happens. But not quickly at times. And that’s when we just wait.

I’m not asking what you think, I’m not asking why me?, or why do bad things happen?, or why is this world so messed up?… I’m not asking those questions because they’ve been asked, and for the most part answered for me in the past.  What I’m asking is a more opened question, one that if we can grasp just might change every minute of everyday of the rest of our lives.

My question is why live?  Why should we be here right now, or tomorrow?  If we know life is tough, people are going to hurt us, we’re going to mess up- then why?  Why even bother.  Why engage in friendship with purpose?  Why go to work each day, even when the day before was too much to handle?  Why forgive that person one more time, when everything in you says you’re being taken as a fool?

I don’t know why.  I don’t know what other people would answer to this, or if they can even put in words their true heart emotions towards this question. 

Here’s what I know.  There’s nothing in this world that we will EVER go through that could come within miles of  the amount of pain, anquish, hurt, disappointment, and despair that our Creator willed apon His Son.  Why would a loving Father ever do that to his one and only Son?  The only answer that makes sense to me is that there must have been a greater purpose to the plan.  Imagine what in the world it would take for you to chose for your only child to be nailed to a cross, beaten, and killed while being mocked for even mentioning a tie to you.  What would it take?  Really, what would it take for you to choose that? 

Shalom… God’s plan from the beginning for each of us.  Peace… not the kind that happens after a fight with your husband, or after the toddler in you home finally crashes.  Shalom is like a lake at the top of a mountain that is so untouched that it flawlessly reflects every ounce of creation around it through it’s glassy top.  Now apply that to a person, and it’s almost impossible to picture.  So what happened?  Sin entered the world, and infects everyone- the only release of an infection like this is death.  Our Creator is so grieved by the sin in our lives, that He wills his only Son to pay the price for our sins on the cross.  When we personally understand that, we admit our sin, accept Christ’s payment, and begin a close intimate relationship with our Creator- the one who knew us before we knew ourselves, who loves us more that a mother loves a baby, or a husband loves a wife.  We expierence pursuit by the One who smiles when we think of them, knows every thought is our head, cries with us EVERYTIME we hurt.

So that’s salvation, as I understand it.  How does that apply to “why”?  If that’s true, God’s plan is shalom and sin wrecked any possibility of expierencing it to it’s fullest intent while we’re here in this world, then why bother.

Today I was in my office, getting “ministry” done.  Distracted and overwhelmed by the busyiness of the tasks that were piling up- I picked up the phone to make a call.  I relized that the line was quiet when I picked up so I said hello.  On this line was a person needing to talk, a person needing to talk so much that he didn’t really care who was on the other line, he started pouring out his soul.  It was the end of the line for him.  He was done.  Life had ended, and he had choose to close the book.  What could I possibly say to that?  What do you say to someone who has NO hope.  Someone who sees nothing worth anything in this world. 

So I listened.  I spoke little, I don’t know really what I said.  I tried to give some hope, and I somehow got him to accept medical attention… but I just listened.  I don’t have a great end to this post… I don’t know how it ends.  So tonight I’m praying for that man, and for myself to figure out, and solidify like concrete in my mind and heart the answer to the question “why”?

After making the call to resell the phone, I posted on Facebook about the deal, and said it’s going to Craigslist.  Now I am hearing pursuasive talk from friends about keeping it.  “I don’t even touch my personal computer anymore”, “you’ll love it”.  So obviously that sounds great, right.

Flash back to the 90′s… I know was in High School then, but go with me.  I remember getting my first Email account.  After picking the name, checking it daily- only to receive 1 or 2 emails a MONTH… I lost interest.  My “hotmail” account got shut down because it went too long without activity.  Look how far we’ve come in 15 years. 

There’s tons of benefit in staying so connected, but I have to ask- is there harm in it as well?  Not in being “connected”, but relationally.  If we read “status updates”, gets Twitter posts, email, text… on and on- are we really building relationships that matter, or are we just filling our head with surface information about everyone we’ve ever known. 

I love hearing about my friends from High School’s children, I also love to see what’s on my husband’s cousin’s mind- since they live so far away.  But if my time gets any more consumed with checking status’s, replying to email, reading blogs…. I will probably burst. 

My kids are entertaining themselves with a squirt bottle in the kitchen, and I’m “blogging”.  My kids come and ask for me to read a book, and I say “just a minute”.  My friends husband is in the hospital, and I check Facebook to see how he’s doing, instead of picking up the phone.

I just have to wonder…. are we getting closer to computers….. or people?

Life’s been good, here’ the short story:

We’ve had family living in our basement for 6 months- including Eliza- born on Feb. 5th.  She’s pretty amazing and it’s been such a blessing to get to be so close to their family.  I think I can say Tim and I have finally settled after last years ridiculous amount of renovation to our home.  Tim started a new job in January, after his old company went bankrupt.  I just had surgery… recovering well.  And the girls are both getting so big.  Ashlyn starts Kindergarten in a month, and Morgan thinks she is too.  Overall- busy, but  life is pretty sweet!

God has been so real to me lately.  I’m reading the Ragamuffin Gospelwhich is a VERY deep book- too deep for me really, but I’m getting a lot out of it.  I am however convinced that this is the true intended version of Christianity that most of us miss.  I read the most amazing thing just the other day.  If you’ve accepted Christ,  I pray this is just as much of an encouragement to you, as it was to me.  And if you don’t know Christ personally, read this and read below:

Has it crossed your mind that I am proud you accepted the gift of faithI offered you?  Proud that you freely chose Me, after I had chosen you, as your friend and Lord?  Proud that, with all your warts and wrinkles, you haven’t given up?  Proud that you believe in Me enough to try again and again? 

Are you aware of how I appreciate you for wanting Me? 

 I want you to know how grateful I am when you pause to smile and comfort a child who has lost her way.  I am grateful for the hours you devote to learning more about Me; for the word of encouragement you passed on to your burnt-out pastor; for your visit to the shut-in; for your tears for the retarded.  What you did to them, you did to Me.

If you don’t know Christ, think about it for just a minute.  There is someone amazing, greater than anyone you’ve ever met; more perfect.  So this amazing, great, perfect person- know’s you.  Created you, wants you.  And if you can grasp that, think about this.  Not only does He want you to pursue Him, but He is appreciative, grateful, and PROUD of you when you do.  What a concept.  In this world, there are few people who have theses feeling towards us, if any.  Now imagine them coming from the One who created you, nit you in your mothers womb, listens to your every word, sees your every tear. 

Thank you Father for loving me this much. 

… another sweet part of it all was that we got to be with my sister and her family.

Through Catalyst, my perspective on what really mattering in the world, and the high calling that we, as Christians, have been given is not only critical but also a shared called and a gift from our Creator himself. 

What I am trying to apply to my own life is focus.  This has 2 parts for me.  Focus on what the Holy Spirit is speaking to me about- help that person, give to that person/cause, spend time with that person… Secondly a more narrow focus on my savior- what is Jesus breaking in me to be able to carry out the Great Commission in a more Christ-like way, or what hard truth is He wanting me to confront in my life or those around me to bring about transformation. 

One commentator wrote this just to give a snapshot of what I’m talking about…

“So to give you a taste of the book, I want to tell you the story of Fernando, a next door neighbor of one of the Mission Year participants. The guys found out it was Fernando’s birthday, and threw him an impromptu party. This is what William Owen writes about the impact of a simple party.”

From the book…

While we were setting up the rather spontaneous pomp that made up the decorations I doubt any of us thought it would have the impact it did on both our beloved neighbor Fernando and on us. After he thanked each one of us personally and gave us all hugs and then a group hug, Fernando left saying it was one of the best birthdays he’d ever had. Near the door after he let, we all stood dumbfounded. We had no idea that  a few balloons and streamers and cheap cupcakes could make an adult weep to the point of being speechless. I am constantly blown away by the opportunities that God lays in front of us to learn how to love and be loved.

The speakers included Andy Stanley, Dave Ramsey, Franklin Graham, Steven Furtick… just to name a few.  (if you haven’t heard of Steven… he’s a 28 year old pastor of a church of 5000!  If you still have a “traditional” view of church- you’ll want to check him out to see just how relevant “church” should be http://www.stevenfurtick.com or http://www.elevationchurch.org )  There were guest artists like Steve Fee, a children’s choir from Africa, artist painters, and much more.  And this is only a small chunk of what we got to experience.  It was one of the most well balanced, centering, inspiring, passionate conferences I’ve ever attend.  And I’ve been to about a dozen in the past 3 years alone. 

So what was the take away for me… well at the moment I am still processing.  Dave Ramsey was amazing, he didn’t speak much about finances like you may be thinking, he spoke about leadership.  It was one of the most ”to the point”, clear, spot on sessions ever.  For example, actually firing someone for GOSSIPING!  What a bold concept, but transformational in a work place I bet! 

God also spoke to me about community.  Since Tim and I moved to our new home, we’ve been feeling a draw to connect with the people who live in our own neighborhood.  I mean literly the people next door.  This burden was just deepened through a couple of speakers who passionate shared the crucial importance of telling people about Jesus.  Not just the people at church or our christian friends, the people that are right in front of us… our friends, family, neighbors.  

Christianity is not something to sell, not something to convince someone of, it’s about eternity.  About forever.  About what’s next.  And about purpose. 

I’ve never felt such purpose in my life.  I know why I’m here, I know why I live where I do, work where I do, have the family I have, and feel the feelings I feel.  It’s an amazing clarity that CAN’T come from anyone other than our Creator. 

That’s only the tip of the iceberg.  But as for the day after the conference, I can say that I’m in a solid place, with a solid purpose.

I’ve been really obsessed with the breed for a while now, and have been researching the breed every chance I get.  Yesterday we met a wonderful couple through craigslist who needed to find a new home for her.  They took amazing care of her, she just outgrew their space, pocket books, and schedule very quickly. 

We spend a few hours at their home last night, and after talking with them, meeting her, and discussing the decision in the car

down the road from their home… we turned around and had to bring her home.

The amazing thing about it is that Diamond knew who she needed to “convience”… and she went right for Tim as soon as we walked in the door.  If you don’t know Danes, she kind of thinks she’s a lapdog, so she’ll back up to you and “lay” across your lap.  For those of you who don’t know, we lost our boxer Simon a few months back.  He was Tim’s dog from before our marrige, so we needed to wait until he was truly ready before getting our next dog.

It’s hard to get used to Allie being the “small, older dog”, and at times I don’t think she’s too thrilled we brought home a puppy to cramp her spoiled style.  But never the less, they’re bonding more and more each minute. 

Diamond is an amazing dog.  Not to mention she’s a majestic beautiful animal who’s wonderfully behaved.  We look forward to making her a part of our family, and probably showing her off from time to time

Most awesome picture ever!

Our girls are on the right- Ashlyn- 4 years, and Morgan almost 2, then Jadon and Josie on the left are a few of thier cousins. 

So I finally got up to speed on facebook.  I signed on last night and have already found dozens of friends from high school and my current stage of life. 

It’s so awesome to see every ones successes.  Lots of people are married with children, others have pursued their career passions, and for a select few both.

You can’t deny that after all these years one thing we all have in common is that we’ve grown up.  All the high school drama doesn’t seem to matter now, even though in the moment it could paralyze ever aspect of our lives. 

I can honestly say that I’m so proud to share with them where I’m at in my stage of life.  I don’t know why, but God has blessed me beyond any design I could have dreamed of.  Not to say that our path is flawless, but when the bumps and bruises and even brokenness come, there’s nothing like the peace of knowing that I have an eternal Father in Heaven that cares more for me that I will ever know. 

So the one thing I want to say when I catch up with old friends is guess what I’ve been doing!  And start sharing the amazing story of my life, the journey God’s leading everyday.